Conversation on the Value of Virginity

   The best conversations are ones that contain great conflict. Whether it is conflicting feelings or opinions, it’s the polarity that makes it interesting. Without the disagreement it can be like talking to yourself. Don’t misinterpret, it’s nice to find individuals who share your values and opinions but there is more to experience when sharing your opinions with those who feel differently. It’s more challenging, educational, and it’s more exciting to have to defend and challenge the differences in the dissenting views. One day I decided to express my ‘heathen’ views on female sexuality. Then a girl - we’ll call her Molly - called me out on my ‘immoral’ ways.
    I began by talking to a friend about how I believe society hurts women with its extreme obsession with a woman’s virginity. I was outlining why, when out of thin air Molly appeared and started telling me that it was my type of mindset that was undermining the conservative values of America. This was interesting to me because I didn’t feel like my personal beliefs had such a sinister nature. I asked her why my opinion was flawed. I could tell this was going to be interesting; her initial tirade had already proved we were polar opposites in every sense of the word. It was doubtful that either of us would change the others stance but this conversation would have the added difficulty of convincing her that my views were equally valid.
    She began by telling me it was important to stay pure and not reject traditional family values. I then asked her why being sexually active was rejecting traditional family values and what the reason for staying pure was. I genuinely wanted to know to broaden my own understanding of the world.
    The entire reasoning was that it was invariably important to stay worthy of your future spouse. The word ‘worthy’ fueled me. I refuse to believe that a person is defined by their sexuality. I asked her how an individual could be less/more of a person as a result of their sexual experience or lack there-of. She replied that “No guy wanted to be with used goods. It’s like we’re all cupcakes. Our purity is our ‘gorgeous or ornate frosting’. If we give up our virginity, essentially our frosting is being licked. When that was over, we were licked cupcakes, unwanted because no one wants someone’s second hand dessert.”

I almost fell over. This kind of thinking was unfathomable to me. It took me a moment to formulate my response based on that last sentence. I knew we would never agree but I wanted to end strong and hopefully just get her thinking about my side. I finished by saying, “I think I would dump a guy just as fast if he demanded I be virgin; as if he demanded I sleep with him. They both show that they don’t care for me in a meaningful way. Both care more about my sexuality than me.”

      We left it at that. I didn’t change her mind, nor did she change mine. Yet I continued to ponder our conversation. The concept of being an unwanted licked cupcake struck me hard. Not because I felt I fit that description, but because it was a real life example of the psychological damage of the obsession with female virginity I had initially claimed. Her decision to stay a virgin was out of fear; fear that she would not be loved unless she was one. It was not an informed decision based on her desire to have only one partner, or because she didn’t want to contract a disease from being promiscuous but because the world had told her that her personality was a distant second to her sexuality. Not only did it have conflict and passion, but it left me thinking. The conversation held no practical solution, nothing changed in our world.  However, this conversational conflict changed not my views but my goals. I want to do more to change this ideal, to protect women; enforce their sense of self and personal power. I have no interest in when a woman chooses to be sexually active. I simply want to help the women of this world choose what is right for them based solely on their needs and not based on society’s expectation.